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Helen Philpot is not dead yet (she wants to make sure you know that). Far from it. To the blogging octogenarian, Thanksgiving is still an important tradition — and, as far as she's concerned, there's a certain set of rules to doing it right. So if you're still interested in being included in the family will, you best be on time, keep the politics talk to a hush and leave your cell phones at the door with your vegetarian friends. And don't even think about bringing Jell-O salad.
Philpot, who authors the Margaret and Helen blog with her 'best friend for 60 years,' posted a hilarious — and apparently, sincere — set of rules for Thursday's meal. It's classic sass, with just the right amount of mean.
Here are a few of our favorites:
'I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy … look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.'
'Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.'
'Cloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time honey. You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the HEB bakery.'
'Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?'
'Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.'
'Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.'
See the full set of rules here. Does your family have any strict requirements for Thanksgiving? Do you think Helen's rules are the real deal or a bit of Internet trickery? Tell us below.
BONUS: Helen Probably Wouldn't Approve of Thanksgiving Meals Made With Help From YouTube
Mashable composite: Image courtesy of Flickr, lorenkerns
NEW YORK (AP) — Shirley Caesar won’t be cooking “beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes” at Thanksgiving this year.
The legendary gospel singer, who is enjoying viral success with a remix of one of her sermon-songs featuring a line referencing food items, says she’s not cooking this year during the U.S. holiday.
“I ain’t cooking nothing,” 79-year-old Caesar said with a laugh in a phone interview with The Associated Press on Friday. “Absolutely zilch.”
The Grammy-winning singer has become a hot topic online after her song, the 9-minute “Hold My Mule,” was re-created with a new addictive beat. On the song, Caesar tells the story of “Shouting John,” who is told he is too loud and cannot dance in church because of his excitement.
But Caesar later sings in a live version of the song that John fires back, explaining that God created this land and he’s been blessed with “beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes, lambs, rams, hogs, dogs, chicken, turkeys, rabbits. You name it!”
In the new alteration of her song, the viral clip includes the question, “Grandma, what are you cooking for Thanksgiving?” The response is a video of Caesar singing the line “beans, greens...” as well as videos of various people dancing happily.
“I was excited. I’m just grateful that I’ve been chosen, that the Lord is blessing me like this,” Caesar said. “This is a mind-boggling thing for me. Who would have thought that something like that would have gone viral?”
The online video being used of Caesar is a few years old, from when she performed the track live; she said she originally recorded the song in 1988.
Caesar’s singing the words “you name it” sparked the #UNameItChallenge online, which features people doing dances to the song. Chris Brown and other celebrities have participated, though Caesar said she’s not enjoying all of the videos.
“There’s those where they have women showing their rumps, their butts ... I think they call it twerking ... I want them to know that I see it as a sign of disrespect because I’m a pastor, I’m a gospel singer and I love the Lord,” she said. “I’m shocked they would do that.”
Other videos and photos show people prepping food, including greens and beans, for Thanksgiving.
Caesar admits while she likes cooking, she’s not that into it.
“I think that I could really love it if I knew how to do a lot of it,” she said. “There are certain dishes I can cook, but then there are so many things that I cannot cook.”
She said she usually has a big Thanksgiving dinner at her home, but that’s changed.
“A lot of my family members are dying out ... so I’m going to go and have dinner with a friend,” said Caesar (her husband passed away in 2014).
Soul Food Cooking For Thanksgiving
The gospel music icon, who has won 11 Grammy Awards, received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame this year. Her latest album, “Fill This House,” debuted at No. 1 on Billboard’s gospel albums chart.
Thanksgiving Recipes
She said she loves that her newfound fame is introducing her music to younger fans.
“They don’t really know who I am unless their moms or their grandparents tell them. I’m glad,” she said. “I mean, little 3-year-olds are singing, ‘I got beans, greens, potatoes, tomatoes.’”